the more i realize how “all in” i am the more the fear rises. i keep it in… halfway. never have i been able to hide much. no matter what it’s written on my face in a screwed up riddle that doesn’t quite give answers. sometimes, i think it’s because i can’t decide if i want to speak or not. it’s my way of wanting to be heard. i want it known, i just don’t know how to say it or if i should say it. but that riddle forces the questions which force me to speak. it’s backwards and complex. but it’s not about drama. it’s about the fear in the answers. it’s about bad timing and faulty sentences. it’s about not being able to delete the words after they are spoken. it’s about a filter that twists the romantic things i want to say into jumbled fragments washing out the good parts, the deep things, gamechangers, the things that bring a quiver to my voice that i can barely admit to anyone. admitting to your current happiness seems like asking for it to be ripped away.
i can see it all - i can see my life with him forever, i can see me walking down the aisle to him, i can see him a part of my family and mine of his, i can see us as a world traveling family with little ones raised on camping trips and the wilderness, but most of all i can’t imagine me without him.
now that the words have been said, you’d think my soul would rest easy. instead, i wonder if they were meant or out of apathy. it’s twisted and fucked that i can’t just take it at face value. but there are so many different meanings. i guess now what i want to hear is that i am so in love with you it’s crazy. like the world could stop and i wouldn’t notice crazy. the illogical kind that makes you want to walk to the ends of the globe to prove your love. we always want more. funny how that works. we get what we want and then we push for more; i pushed immediately for the meaning, does this mean you deeply care about me or that your in love with me? to me, there are distinct differences. it”s the difference between deeply caring for someone and only having eyes for one person despite all the flaws. it’s adoration in the flaws. it’s all about the little things. and for me, i’m head over heels over head over heels and i just want to know if i am able to hold someone accountable to the same level.